Sexology. Open Relationships: The Secrets to Making It Work

What is it? "The term open relationship is based on the notion of non-exclusivity, with permission to pursue relationships outside of the couple. Whether they are purely physical or more engaging on an emotional, spiritual, relational level, etc." explains Emma Puech-Hélin, sexologist and pharmacist.

But in practice, "the definition belongs mainly to each couple according to what they allow themselves to do or not."

Varying motivations

In the eyes of the specialist, the phenomenon would have always existed "but we note that the word tends to democratize so much that it can trigger reflection in people who lift a little the taboo of monogamy." With according to the sexologist, motivations which can be "variable." Between:

• couples who would like to explore their sexuality further;
• those who have gone through different events or other conflicts, led to question other forms of relationships “which seem more fulfilling to them”;
• issues of discrepancies in desires, wishes or sexual practices;
• the desire to not find everything in one's relationship. "It's about allowing oneself to look for other relational pillars elsewhere. This has the rather positive effect of removing the pressure and not focusing everything on one and the same person, on one and the same relationship," describes Emma Puech-Hélin.

Not a concession

It's still necessary to be perfectly in phase within the couple but also with oneself... Indeed, "the open relationship should not be a compromise," she emphasizes. Whether it's to please the other, linked to the fear of losing them or of appearing old school!

And she insists: "An open relationship must be fully desired and arouse the enthusiasm of both partners. If there is dissonance, it doesn't work. It's even a source of suffering," continues Emma Puech-Hélin, who emphasizes the importance of "a good initial contract."

For this specialist, the process begins by asking yourself a few questions: "Why does this speak to me? What attracts me to the idea of ​​exploring an open relationship? What fears might I feel?" ... Then, she recommends talking about it with your partner "to try to identify if they are in the same wave of exploration. In any case, one of the pillars of an open relationship is excellent communication with great transparency."

Then, it's time for the famous "contract" itself, which requires asking as many questions as possible about desires and the limits to be set. For example, the sexologist illustrates: "in which circle should the relationship be placed? That of the couple? Beyond that? Are meetings at work allowed? And those for one night or an evening." Moreover, "do we have the right to sleep with a partner?" Without forgetting to address the subject of protection against sexually transmitted infections ( STIs )...

The couple as a totem

Emma Puech-Hélin recommends very regular check-ins, just to ensure that both partners are still supportive of the process. "Don't hesitate to share any doubts or concerns you may have," she adds, before offering one last piece of advice: "Keep in mind the rituals that make up the couple. An open relationship isn't about disinvesting or sacrificing that relationship. It's about adding to the existing one."