France and Mexico to arms, for a handful of cakes

Among the most ridiculous possibilities for starting a war is a pastry offense . Not a sudden invasion, or a border crime, or an arsenal raid. No way. All the fuss over pastry discourtesy. That's what happened in 1838 between France and Mexico. The war lasted almost a year. Some Mexican soldiers lit the fuse when they stormed, somewhat insane, into the Monsieur Remontel restaurant in Tacubaya, a historic neighborhood in the western part of Mexico City. They drank too much, ate too little, and finished off with some pastries before escaping without paying the command . They also looted, like crazy, containers and pans. This pastry shop was famous, and among its regulars was Baron de Gros, in charge of supervising, promoting, and protecting French businesses in Tacubaya and the surrounding area. The owner of Remontel demanded compensation of 800 pesos , a substantial sum at the time.

As expected, Mexico made a complete mockery of the claims, and King Louis-Philippe of Orleans considered this disdainful gesture the highest of diplomatic affronts . Pushed by events, with blushing grandeur and catastrophic disregard, on April 16, 1838, the French fleet declared a blockade of Mexico, setting up shop off the port of Veracruz. Those from Orleans were going all out with a war strategy more useless and cloying than meringue or angel hair. It is, how can I put it, almost a war against oneself . Feigning a real war over a handful of pastries only makes one look ridiculous.

France, incidentally, while blocking maritime trade in the area through the Veracruz channel, was demanding priority in Mexican trade . It's impossible to do anything seriously like that. If you're trying to be scary, you can't just go around demanding sinecures from the offended party. What a disaster. Since a diplomatic agreement wasn't forthcoming and the Mexicans preferred not to pay the pesos demanded for the pastries, and were also unwilling to put France on the list of preferred countries for business, on November 27, 1838, the French unloaded the molten iron from their battery of cannons against the fortress of San Juan de Ulúa . The Mexican troops deployed in Veracruz were led by a general known as Manuel Rincón , and he, livid from the volley of 200 such fat balls fired from French ships anchored in the Gulf of Mexico, decided on his own to make a pact with them, offering his soldiers the capitulation, leaving a symbolic detachment in the city to avoid any resentment, and requesting eight months to study the situation. With height , like Rosalía. That Manuel Rincón was a bargain in any war. A gift from God.

When the President of the Republic of Mexico, Anastasio Bustamante , is informed of the decisions unilaterally agreed upon by the blessed General Rincón , his first action is to order his execution and gift his mauled head to the French , but he contains his anger and simply declares war on France. He places General López de Santa Anna at the head and gives the other Gandhi a court martial.

Days passed, the English offered their intermediary services, and what no one expected happened. King Louis Philippe of Orleans agreed to collect the 800 pesos in installments.

It's December 4th. General Santa Anna arrives in Veracruz, dismounts, and his eyes are two green May stars , all for you . This must have been what Prince Joinville, son of Louis Philippe of Orleans , thought when he saw the Mexican undoing everything agreed upon by that amoeba Rincón. And what's more: he gave the French an hour to embark and leave Mexico alone. The war began. Bayonets and rifles were pointed in the streets of Veracruz . The fight was a single-blooded one. There was nothing to win, but some fought as if they were conquering Mexico and the others as if they were defending the entire nation from all possible enemies. The meager Mexican troops managed to regroup and confront the French, who mistakenly celebrated the capture of General Aristas when in fact they were searching for Santa Anna.

The French, pressed by the natives' pressure, are returning to the boats to catch up with their fleet. But the brave Santa Anna is offered something else: to cut off their retreat and then open a black hole that will swallow them up at sea. It doesn't go too badly . The French retreat, but a cannon protecting the rearguard fires a treacherous shot that knocks the general's horse to pieces, crushing his calf and cutting off a finger. He's now a hero on the fast track.

Days passed, the English offered their intermediary services, and what no one expected happened. King Louis-Philippe of Orleans agreed to collect the 800 pesos in installments . Shabby, but effective. It was on March 9, 1839. Furthermore, the two countries promised to take care with each other regarding trade preferences. The war ended as things that don't make much sense do . Monsieur Remontel's pastries maintained the confectioner's prestige in Mexico City for a few more years. The French soon forgot this silly and arrogant stumble, but before abandoning the site of their defeat, they seized 70 cannons and a battery gifted by Philip V to Mexico. They lost, but with war spoils. That, I believe, is genius.